if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
