so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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