how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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