and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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