I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
