Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
