Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
