I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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