I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
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