I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
