at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
