we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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