Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
