It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
