Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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