He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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