I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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