good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
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