I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
