Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Randomize
