At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
my poor anus
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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