My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
