plz talk dirty to me
How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
