for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
