Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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