Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
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