Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
