You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
