Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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