She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
