Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
