when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
