so explain again why im purple
no
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You have to summon your inner elephant
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
