What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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