so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
