I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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