conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
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