just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
