Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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