You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I supernannyed him into submission
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
