apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
