You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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