can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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