I just made out with a guy for $7.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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