I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
