there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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