So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
