and she was petting her beer can
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
