Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
The air taste purple.
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