My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
