After last night, I could never be a politician.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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