Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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