I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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